The Trouble with Willpower

This diet thing is really hard. Much harder than the first time round, strangely. Or maybe it's not so strange: the first time I embarked upon a candida protocol, no fewer than three different doctors had told me I should do so. There's something about a doctor (or three) prescribing a diet to you that lends it a certain magical quality... you simply do what you're told. For three months solid. Then you remember you really, REALLY like a glass of white wine at lunch time when you are in the bushveld with your friends, and sooner or later, all bets are pretty much off. 

This puts me in mind of Dr Phil's wise words from one of those episodes of Oprah before he got sued. "To stick to a diet, you have to eliminate the idea of willpower," he said. 

This is a really crazy thought, especially if you've spent many years trying to subject your appetites to your better judgment. But it really makes sense once you click that it's your bodily imbalance itself giving you the idea that you want to eat every carb within a three-mile radius, NOT your weak will. 

I guess it's time to do a bit of explaining about all this.

WHAT CANDIDA IS

Candida is a little organism that lives in everyone's bodies. When your natural fauna is disturbed for some reason (e.g. an overzealous GP prescribes you a stupidly strong course of antibiotics for a bladder infection you didn't even get the fun way), candida can get madly enthusiastic and breed like wildfire. And one morning you wake up feeling like this.

And you stay that way forever.

But seriously. The more hayshawowee websites out there will tell you that candida is responsible for everything from chronic fatigue, to depression, to irritation with one's spouse, not to mention the always popular “brain fog” that renders you incapable of remembering your email password. More conventional indicators include womanly troubles, digestive troubles, and skin troubles.

One thing that comes out of the hippie rainbow camp that I do believe in, is that candida makes you crave carbohydrates. Because that's what it lives on. 

HOW TO FIX IT

If you go to a western doctor, chances are he'll prescribe an antifungal. In chronic sufferers, these only bring short term relief, and taking them too often actually results in resistance to these drugs. The more holistic approach is to deprive candida of its food source for a long time. If you want to kill it, you have to adhere to the following lists of do's and don't.

FOODS YOU CAN'T EAT

Anything nice

FOODS YOU CAN EAT

Organic protein

Hessian sack flour

Dust (as long as it is organic and yeast-free)

Water

Green vegetables

So. No caffeine, no alcohol, no dairy... there's a host of other "no's", including ALL FRUIT, for Pete's sake, but I mention these three because they are the ones I am finding really, really hard to cut out right now. Even the mention of the word 'caffeine' makes my heart give a little glad leap of expectation. It's been only one day since I last caved and had a cup of coffee. Oddly enough, I was not a coffee drinker until I stopped drinking alcohol! Your brain just needs that SOMETHING, right? When booze is out of the picture, any legal drug will do. Sigh.

I've been pretty good on the no-alcohol front for the last while - well, ever since my soon-to-be father-in-law conducted a blind wine tasting last month. How could I say no? It was to help us select wines for our wedding, a highly important duty. (Honestly though, that whole spitting it out after you've tasted it thing? That doesn't work. Wine critics are having a laugh. The back of the throat is where the crucial judging equipment is located. Am I right?) Anyway, as I was saying, since then I've been positively angelic. But coffee? Not letting go of me so easy. Nor is the Greek yoghurt... and the goat's cheese... I just can't say no to the goat's cheese. Damn you William Nicol Pick n Pay cheese room.

LOOKING GREAT NEKKID UPDATE

Yes we Dukan!

As of today I decided to try and get over these last hurdles by combining the candida diet with the Dukan Diet for weight loss. Hey, I might as well suffer in style. Dukan is also known as the "Princess Diet" because both Pippa and Kate Middleton are reportedly fans. Who am I to argue with royalty?

                                          Pippa's Ass: the money shot

The idea of Dukan, or any low carb diet, is that as soon as you stop stimulating insulin by eating sugar, you'll stop having cravings all the time for carby foods... like yoghurt and goat's cheese. Willpower eliminated from the equation. Easy as. 

...Although I do seem to have eaten an entire chicken today. (I know. I'm not sure how it happened either.) So maybe my ass will look like this.

                                             Miley Cyrus does the funky chicken

Heck, I'm not too picky.

Get Fit Challenge

When it comes to dragging your ass to the gym, unfortunately it's ALL about willpower. Unless you short-circuit your instincts somehow. I signed up this month for the mid-year Get Fit Challenge. This is where you pay R4000 for a bunch of extremely cute instructors to shout at you while you do situps and burpies. It is, to be honest, nothing that my gym doesn't offer for peanuts (I'm on Vitality), BUT I'm badly in need of that magical “I have no choice in this” factor. Parting with four grand is a great way to snooker yourself.

I've been to two classes this week, and boy, am I unfit. It makes me sort of awed at my younger self, in a wistful way, to think that I used to be able to do three or four hours of karate straight and not even feel it the next day. I am excited to Get Fitter, if not actually Fit, by the time this twelve week challenge is up. Oh, and if I am among the most transformed at the end of the cycle, I could win R10 000! Now THERE'S a good way to take willpower out of the equation. When in doubt, go for greed!